Tears revisited...

Pain inspires the writer in me. That makes me a little sad because I don't want to let go of it either. There are days that I wish I felt as comfortable as I once did in expressing myself here in my blogs. If others read here, they know way more about me and my weird hiccups in life than I know about theirs. It feels unsafe sometimes. It makes it sound like I dwell in grief, but this is the place I process and repair that part of my life. And so it is important, I pen it down….

I have images that sometimes pop in my head that take me back to that dreadful day. A day filled with so many dark and haunting thoughts that I sit alone with. Sometimes I wish I could paint them, maybe they'd leave me alone.

A few months back, I was just basking in the glory of being pregnant, with all that extra love and attention, enlightening and reminding myself every moment that there is a new life growing within me…when a miscarriage followed and I was left with merely a pool of blood as the only memory of my unborn child…

Over the months, I've become very good at compartmentalizing the grief. It no longer swallows me up for hours or days at a time. It comes in moments like when I hear a song in the car, I completely lose it for 5 minutes then I pull it together and walk in to meet friends with a smile on my face. And that smile is genuine, not forced. Seems strange that I can just wrap it up like that now.

I also feel less self-conscious. I remember in those first days, I felt like everyone knew there was something wrong with me, like I was the only woman in the world who failed in the worst way. And if they didn't know part of me didn't want them to find out because I can't stand pity. I just wanted to be 'normal' again. Another part of me was desperate to tell them why I was so effed up.

I'm so different now. It's hard to find words. The pain has subsided and I've physically healed. As an outcome of this dreadful event, I've learned to love better coz there is a silent guilt, which tells me that my baby left me coz I didn’t love it enough….

I've been up to my neck in the everyday life now. Sometimes it's the keeping busy that keeps the grief at bay. It’s a constant struggle to fill the emptiness of the void, the endless pain of losing my child. I've lain awake many nights. But it's in the silence of the night that I find answers to what’s really in my heart …To look at myself and see something more than my empty womb staring back …To search for a reassurance that I wont be disowned again … To search fanatically for hours together to find the brightest shining star in the sky and believe that there is still a trace and my baby isn’t lost forever…

When I lost my baby, I didn’t know who to turn to and who to talk to. There wasn’t anything out there that I could relate to.
We forget to count the blessings at the moment and to enjoy it. But life is so unpredictable that any moment lost, is lost forever.
So cherish your moments and count your blessings when they last…. we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of the treasures we hold.