Life in darkness

I’ll never learn to become numb about problems. Every now and then, when you think everything’s going smoothly, life smacks you back in the face and gives you another problem. I can’t blame life forever. It’s not destiny or fate that makes my life this way. All things in my life right now unfolded because of me. I made the turns. I made the decisions. I chose the road. I walked the path. All these are of my own doing and that includes making these problems. Of course, these are not done on purpose. Sometimes I wish I had enough courage to hurt myself. Maybe a strong punishment is what I need to get things straight. I mean for once, why can’t I manage to go problem free? Why do I always fail to stay on the right track? Is it because I lack punishment? But then again, isn’t it punishment enough to have to deal with the consequences of these problems I made for my self?

When you’re all sobered up the problem is still there boldly grinning at you with such amusement. The only way to solve a problem is to face it head on. Oh the right thing to do just smoothly slips out of your mouth but it’s never easy to actually do it.

It just amazes me when some people can face every single problem they make for themselves with such composure. How do they do it? How can they stay frustration free? Do they ever reach their limit? Do they even have a limit?

I wish I could just believe that there is a God...and that I have a future planned according to how he wants it to be.But I can't. My mind refuses to. My mind would rather see me paint my own future. My mind would rather push me to paint my own future...to paint my own story.

I thought I'd never say this again, but sometimes, I just feel so empty. I feel like I'm dead and it affects me so that I take deep breaths and consciously inhale and exhale air to make sure that I'm still alive. And if I'm not satisfied, I think of something really sad, or listen to the most heartbreaking songs and just cry, cry until I feel down enough that my heart hurts.

No matter how happy one is, once emptiness hits you, you'll never be able to run away from it. It lurks in the dark and when unaware, when you've got a stoic expression about you, it strikes, takes out all the feelings you have and murders you until you're almost dead.